It all began before I was born but during this time I was deciding who my mother was to be. When I finally chose I knew I had to become the fastest swimmer to win to become a life in her the womb.
For the next 8 or 9 months whilst I grew, I began recording emotions and experiencing feelings, traumas, depression along with other daily traumas as I recorded every experience encountered with my mother.
Making it to full term with so many experiences fresh in my mind, I was born. Now all I had learned had to be tested along with all the new input in my hourly and daily encounter with a cold world and so many advisors. At the time all I seemed to know what was right.
Understand, I was still a baby so many of my testing of past experiences involved my parents most of the time. I found out if I cried at night I would get a diaper change and if I continued to cry I got food. Now during the day the same routine worked and I found out that big smiles and funny noises cause the care takers to hug me and hold me and feed me. I began to test out the crying every time.
Between ages 2-3 years I had good and bad experiences and even pulling out past learned experiences their were no rewards or any one paying attention. I began receiving input from new people I came into contact with. With some, I was rewarded and some would earn me a stern look.
One thing that was happening, is I found out how to manipulate and keep the friendly people around me. It was at this time I learned to do things that kept me busy when no one was near. One thing I liked most of all was to make noise and throw things around.
Time marched on and when I was 6 and I found out the many things I enjoyed were immediately corrected and learned my lesson well. I didn’t like it. While still have all these different experiences I was recording every one. I soon realized that I had a belief system and their were rules I had to follow. Any breaking of the rules caused me trauma and it was delivered by my parents or the care giver at the time. Some trauma came only in words that were repeated many times. All were recorded in my memory and kept there to protect me.
My teenage years were filled with new experiences, adventures and rules along with my care givers beliefs of how I should act and present my self. No matter what I did or where I went what would come to my head were the learned rules and beliefs I had been instilled with.
When I went into the military I had to learn their rules and beliefs at the same time modify the rules I had learned and my beliefs. When I had completed my time in the military I was discharged home. Everything was so different and everyone was living in their own world and doing the same things following there rules and beliefs.
Talk about trauma in every thing I was rigidly trained to do in the military to do was now taboo. I was told again to remember there are rules and beliefs in the caregivers life I had to follow them to get along.
Now I was in so much conflict in every way and everything I did if I did not remember the rules and beliefs I was to become an outcast or better the term which was used was a non-conformist, a hippy or every one just ignored me. It was when I went to college and graduated and then went to nursing school that I realized my past was my problem. It was further clarified when I went to this seminar where I encountered an EFT, emotional freedom technique instructor also he was a NLP, neuro-linguistic practitioner, I found out that if I didn’t make peace with my past problems, they would continue to be there to cause me pain. Once I admitted I had a problem, he then could coach me to resolve it. He stated there were many problems, that I would need to write them down, as each one was addressed I could cross them off my list.
Today my past is now looked at in very different way and that is with love. As this instructor was quoted, “You are now driving your own bus and taking now problems with me.”